Authors note:
This part of the story is told for Seras' point of view. This fic deals with the subject of suicide, so if this subject offends or upsets you in any way my advice is don't read this fic. You have been warned. It's a very strange love story between Alucard and Seras, and how one very painful event brings them closer together. So then, on with the fic.

Contemplating suicide

Everyone has a breaking limit, and I knew that I had reached mine. Here I am sitting in my coffin, all alone as usual. The events earlier on have forced me into this, how could the people who pretended to be my friends be so cruel to me. I finished writing the final letter; it was for Alucard, my master, the man I had fallen in love with. I had written three letters in total. One to Sir Integra, one to Walter and one to Alucard.

I just hope that they will understand why I am doing this. Well if they bother to read the letters then they will understand.

I place them in a line across the table, god how did I get like this. A single lonely tear rolls down my face and lands softly on the polished wood of the table. I look back to my coffin and there I see my choice of weapon, it's ironic really, the weapon that took my life as a human will be what kills me as a vampire, my masters Casull.

My master, how the hell did I fall in love with him? It was just a hopeless crush, at least that's what I thought it was at first. You could say that it was borderline obsession now, but he never cared about me. He would never care about me in any way, shape or form. He didn't even like me. He no doubt regretted turning me into a vampire; he always looked at me with disgust.

I slowly walk to my coffin. I have to do this, I don't have a choice any more, no one cares. I sit down and pick up the gun to examine it. It's such a beautifully crafted thing, shame that it will be the last thing I see though. I think yet again of why I am doing this…god why can't they just treat me as if I have some feelings?


~Flashback~


"Police girl what the fuck were you doing out there? You nearly got those men killed!"

All I could do was cower as my master released his rage on me. It was an accident, plus what the hell was I supposed to do? I could either take the chance and get the freak or I could have got killed, everyone probably would have. I had to take the chance, and anyway everyone came out alive.

"If you ever, EVER do something like that again and you will be the one that dies, I assure you."

Next thing I knew Sir Integra was marching up with Walter at her side…and she wasn't happy. What happened next I never saw coming, she slapped me, as hard as she could across the face.

"You stupid, stupid girl. What kind of stunt was it you were trying to pull?" Tears fell silently down my cheeks, why was this happening?

"Answer her question, you worthless creature!" Alucard roared at me. I winced at his words, but didn't answer, big mistake. Before I knew what was going on my master had punched me as hard as he could in the ribs, he broke seven in total. I crumbled to my knees. God it hurt. I wrapped my arms around my middle as to comfort myself, but the pull on my hair quickly stopped my self comfort. Alucard dragged me to my feet and held me up by my hair.

"You will do as I say you useless thing or else that punch in the ribs will be nothing in comparison to what I will do to you next." I was now suspended off the ground by my hair, tears streaming down my face. I looked at Integra who just shook her head and sighed.

"Get in the van with the soldiers. When we get back to the Hellsing mansion. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night, understood?"

Integra's words frightened me. She had control of Alucard, and I didn't want another beating, so I nodded weakly. He released me, and I quickly got moving. Despite the pain and got into the van and closed the doors behind me. They wouldn't have to worry about seeing me again tonight; they would never see me again, I would end this. That was my final thought before the van began to move. To engross in the utter agony I was in I never heard my masters voice in my head 'What is going to end, Seras?' If I had listened then I would have heard something in his voice that I had never heard before, something akin to fear.


~End of flashback~


I rubbed at my ribs, they still hurt. That memory was only four hours old and the past four hours had been hell. I choked back my tears, looking at the gun. I couldn't believe that I just walked into his room and got it, he had been upstairs talking with his master and I just took it. No doubt they were talking about ways to punish me.

I turned on my stereo and put on a song a particular song that reflected everything I felt, I put it on repeat I wanted them to hear it to, the premise of the song would help them see things from my point of view, it was Evanescence, missing.

The haunting tune began to play and I knew it was time, I lifted the gun and pressed it to my chest just at my heart and took a deep breath, I had to do this, I had no reason to continue living, not one.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
Isn't something missing?

Ready to pull the trigger I closed my eyes and began to press down …then my door opened.
There stood Alucard, Integra and Walter with angry faces which soon changed to ones of complete and utter shock.

I looked at them and smiled "I sorry." I pulled the trigger.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

The pain hit me like nothing on earth; it was so much of it so fast. I saw the gun fall to the floor out of my hand, yet there was no sound just pictures.

I could barely feel anything anymore. Alucards face then came into view he was shouting something but I couldn't hear him. I just smiled. Even when I was dying he was still cruel.

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

I raised my hand to his face and stroked his cheek, my vision was getting worse, yet I couldn't help but notice then thin lines of red from his eyes……..he was…crying. I pulled my hand away and looked at my fingers, blood, he was crying, because of me.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Then something dawned on me, why wasn't I dead. I aimed for my heart. I should be dust. My aim always sucked; turns out when they came in the room I moved the gun to the side absentmindedly. I had nicked my heart; it also helps when he doesn't load it with exploding silver bullets. They were just plain silver nothing else.

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

I looked down to see he was pressing the heel of his palm into the wound, slowing the blood. He looked so….well scared, he had no control over the situation and he clearly didn't like it.

He looked into my eyes gave a weak smile, "You will be alright. I promise Seras just hold on, please just hold on.' Why was he pleading with me to live when I thought he wanted me dead. I though he hated me.

He had read my thoughts and shook his head. "No Seras, I don't hate you. I don't want you to die. I can't lose you. I'm sorry I lost my temper earlier. You were doing your best you just made a mistake, that's all. I should never have hit you, or said what I did. Please don't give up, you have to keep going."

Just then I saw about five men enter the room, Integra and Walter had went to get medics, I hadn't even realised they had left.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

With my fading strength I said as loud as I could in a raspy voice "Give me a reason to live, just one." He moved away as the medics tried to help me. I watched him the whole time. He put his head in his hands and sobs began to shake his body. The world turned into a blur of colours then it started to go dark. I was loosing all the feeling in my body, I was going to die. I would give up, and as that final thought came to my head everything went black.

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

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lyrics from Evenescence "Please Forgive Me"